Brotherhood

What Brotherhood Actually Looks Like, Not the Instagram Version

One of the most important pillars I talk about on the farm is Brotherhood, and just how important it is for young men to establish during their life. 

A Brotherhood is something that can evolve organically, provided you understand yourself well enough and have a value system that lets you create boundaries. That's what allows you to be selective about who you let in. 

Because there's a difference between having a whole heap of mates and having a Brotherhood. Mates will show up when things are easy. When you're throwing parties, when everything's great and life's great. But the true test of a good mate, someone in your inner circle, is someone that shows up when it's inconvenient. When the chips are down and it's all hitting the fan. 

What the collapse showed me 

When I went through my business collapse, and the depression and isolation that came with it, it really showed me who my Brotherhood was and who was just a mate, around for the good times. I didn't understand that until I went through a real life crisis, because building that core group wasn't something I'd focused on. It wasn't something I was naturally searching for. 

I think I gained it through the landscaping crews I built around me. We shared the physical work, we shared the risk, and we built trust together on site. Some really solid friendships came out of that organically, and they became a Brotherhood. 

But looking back at the way I built my business, I can see that when I had staff, they were more like mates. I wanted to be the nice guy. I wanted to treat them really well and be the boss I didn't have. In doing that, I just had mates who were there for the good times of the business. I didn't have a Brotherhood. I didn't have people holding me accountable, and that's what a Brotherhood does. 

What a brother actually does 

A Brotherhood knows what your values are. A brother knows when you're not living by those values, and he'll pick you up on it. He'll pull you aside and have a word. Then he'll let you speak, and give you the space to have a vulnerable conversation, to let people know you're struggling or you're hurting, whatever it is. 

Coming out the other side of that collapse, I'm looking at Brotherhood differently. I want one with enough energy in it that people can support each other and it becomes self sustaining. 

Sharing a problem with a group of like minded people is so liberating. And the people in your circle love helping others too. Allowing them to help is a really great gift you can give someone, because most of us love being able to help a fellow man. 

Often we offer it. "Hey mate, do you need a hand?" And often that mate will say, "No, no, I'll be right," when really he does. There's a stigma and a pride attached to thinking you have to do everything solo and carry that weight yourself. 

It's a narrative I'm trying to change. If I can tell my story to young men, and make them aware that the decisions they're making and the people they have around them will shape them, I think that's a message that needs to be shared. 

By accident, then on purpose 

If there's one thing I'd like young men to realise early on, it's this. I didn't grow up with a structured Brotherhood. I built it organically on site, later. Now that I'm rebuilding myself, I'm doing it deliberately, and there's a big difference. I'm looking through a different lens. I'm qualifying the people around me, mainly because I've established my own values. I know who I am, and I can create really solid boundaries around myself now. 

So one of the most important things I can share with a young man is to give yourself enough time and space to understand who you are and what your values are, and actually write them down. When you write them down they become etched in your character, and you can have very clear boundaries with the people you associate with. 

The online version 

One of the hardest things young men are facing at the moment is that online connection, that online Brotherhood. It's very digital, and it's disconnected from the true connection you have when you're in person. A lot of the isolation in our community right now is driven by this digital social network that gives you a feeling of connection, but really is isolating you from the real world and from the true connection you have with yourself. 

Once you understand what that real connection feels like, you can build a community around you that supports you. That's why Brotherhood is one of the seven pillars I'm building into the farm. It doesn't just happen by accident. It needs the right conditions, and the right space for men to connect with themselves first, and then with others. 

I'm super excited to see our community grow organically around those values. 

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